Nobody told me: Becoming a Mother

mother holding baby
Laura Abba

Written by Laura

Laura Abba, founder of Mind the Mother, is a Cognitive Hypnotherapist & Maternal Coach. Based in the UK and working with people from around the World; she offers a tailored approach to individual needs to help people, feel supported in their journey through motherhood.

A book could be written on this! But let’s stick to what I never knew, I never thought, never discussed and nobody told me about becoming a mother.

Starting with what people usually talk about: hormones. During pregnancy can be a little bit all over the place and during the 4th trimester also. Because we know it takes time to get back to ‘normal’. Well, let me tell you that what was normal before becoming a mother it is not normal anymore. As a pregnant woman, you are warned and told about postpartum depression; and for some that is a little scary, for others, they think “that’s not going to happen to me”. For this, we know that socializing and talking about it is a very great first step.

Things that I wish I knew that would change forever

A big ‘ME’ to start with; and when I say ‘Me’ I mean my head. What a revolution! For me, time started to feel like sand slipping through my fingers. There are not enough hours in the day to enjoy my kids, to work and look as I want to. Nobody told me that there will be a conflict between the things I want to do and the things I can do. Nobody told me how hard it can be to be a parent when all you want is to jump and scream alongside your kids. I wish somebody would have told me that there would be times when I don’t know who I am, who I am meant to be; and the conflict that would have with who I want to be.

In essence, you become a new you. But what no many people talk about, is how because you are a new you, then you are in a new relationship with somebody that you already know. And it is a great journey for everybody, getting to know how to keep on working together, getting to know each other again. Being respectful and loving in the troubles and challenges ahead and from the head (mind). It takes time and effort, as anything that is worthwhile.

Shall I also mention the self-doubt? That big scary monster that makes you second guess yourself, because let’s be honest, we do the best we can with what we have; and we still think we are not being good enough because social media is showing off the best of the best, or maybe friends that have different struggles that you don’t see. The same one that if this would be work or academic environment would be called ‘imposter syndrome’. And the only way to escape from it is in your own mind. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you are all that you need for your self and the world for your kids. Why would you have doubts if you didn’t care? Maybe transform that self-doubt into curiosity.

And it is alright to grief your ‘you before becoming a mother’, because you have to become the new you. It is not always easy, it can be painful, it is a process you have to go through. But you will still have your old you, probably in small doses, just the right amount, to help you cope with the new reality. Remember, that just because for many people becoming a mother is the best thing that could have happened to them, it is not the reality of everybody, and must be respected. In my therapy, I see people that they always wanted to be mothers, and when it happens the feeling is not the one expected; as it happens the other way around. Neither of them is better or worse, it’s just their different reality.

My journey to Motherhood

Because of my journey, and this is only part of it, I created the Journey to Parenthood. My pride in work, where I get to support couples into the biggest transition in their lives. In becoming a mother I found myself, I stayed true to my passion. For self-respect, but to allow my children to true to theirs and be who they want to be.

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